I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
