Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
