i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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