How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
