about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
