How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
