I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
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When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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