My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
