When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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