I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize