before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
