hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
