Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
i need to put some appletini on your dick
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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