the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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