I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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