You just made me feel so damn special
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
