The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
