why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
