the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
