i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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