Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
