last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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