I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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