I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
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