I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
