Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
