So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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