Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
This toilet bowl is my home.
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