I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
