What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
