i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
