where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
