sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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