i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
