My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
