I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
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i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
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Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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