He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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