i barfeds in our rink
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
