Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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