well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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