based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Randomize
