1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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