no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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