Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
accomplished twins. life is a go
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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