dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
