Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
