I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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