You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize