my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i came on her dog
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
