Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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