i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
