I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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