It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
