...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
