..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
