i think my tv is drunk
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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