dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
