i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
